Friday, February 27, 2009

Le Crépuscule du soir

Nothing to say, my beautiful ones. Tomorrow my fate is theoretically sealed. Oh what to think, what to do? I anticipate better things than December past. The world floats on and so do I.

He sleeps in the solitude of my bed and I adopt the duties that were prescribed to me at birth.

Evening Twilight
Here is the charming evening, friend of the criminal;
It comes like an accomplice, in the steps of a wolf; the sky
Slowly closes like a great alcove,
And the impatient man changes into a tawny beast.

Oh evening, agreeable evening, desired by those
Whose arms, without lying, can say: Today
We have labored! —It is the evening that eases
The spirits devoured by a savage sorrow,
The stubborn scholar whose brow grows heavy,
And the bent workman who returns to his bed.
Meanwhile the unhealthy demons in the atmosphere
Wake up heavily, like businessmen,
And pound the shutters and the awnings while flying.
Toward the lights worried by the wind
Prostitution lights up in the streets;
Like an anthill she opens her exits;
Everywhere she clears a secret path,
Like the enemy who tries a surprise attack;
She moves in the breast of the sludgy city
Like a worm that steals from Man that which he eats.
One hears the Kitchens whistle this and that,
The theaters bark, the orchestras purr;
The guest tables, which gambling makes delightful,
Are filled with whores and swindlers, their accomplices,
And the thieves, who have neither respite nor mercy,
They go to begin their labor, they too,
And gently force doors and safes
In order to live a few days and clothe their mistresses.

Reflect, my soul, on this grave moment,
And close your ear to this roaring.
It is the hour when the sorrows of the sick ones grow bitter!
Somber Night takes them by the throat; they complete
Their destiny and go toward the common abyss;
The hospital fills with their sighs. —More than one
Will come no longer to look for the scented soup,
In the corner of the fire, the evening, next to a beloved soul.

Still most have never known
The sweetness of home and have never lived!

Le Crépuscule du soir
Voici le soir charmant, ami du criminel;
II vient comme un complice, à pas de loup; le ciel
Se ferme lentement comme une grande alcôve,
Et l'homme impatient se change en bête fauve.

Ô soir, aimable soir, désiré par celui
Dont les bras, sans mentir, peuvent dire: Aujourd'hui
Nous avons travaillé! — C'est le soir qui soulage
Les esprits que dévore une douleur sauvage,
Le savant obstiné dont le front s'alourdit,
Et l'ouvrier courbé qui regagne son lit.
Cependant des démons malsains dans l'atmosphère
S'éveillent lourdement, comme des gens d'affaire,
Et cognent en volant les volets et l'auvent.
À travers les lueurs que tourmente le vent
La Prostitution s'allume dans les rues;
Comme une fourmilière elle ouvre ses issues;
Partout elle se fraye un occulte chemin,
Ainsi que l'ennemi qui tente un coup de main;
Elle remue au sein de la cité de fange
Comme un ver qui dérobe à l'Homme ce qu'il mange.
On entend çà et là les cuisines siffler,
Les théâtres glapir, les orchestres ronfler;
Les tables d'hôte, dont le jeu fait les délices,
S'emplissent de catins et d'escrocs, leurs complices,
Et les voleurs, qui n'ont ni trêve ni merci,
Vont bientôt commencer leur travail, eux aussi,
Et forcer doucement les portes et les caisses
Pour vivre quelques jours et vêtir leurs maîtresses.

Recueille-toi, mon âme, en ce grave moment,
Et ferme ton oreille à ce rugissement.
C'est l'heure où les douleurs des malades s'aigrissent!
La sombre Nuit les prend à la gorge; ils finissent
Leur destinée et vont vers le gouffre commun;
L'hôpital se remplit de leurs soupirs. — Plus d'un
Ne viendra plus chercher la soupe parfumée,
Au coin du feu, le soir, auprès d'une âme aimée.

Encore la plupart n'ont-ils jamais connu
La douceur du foyer et n'ont jamais vécu!
---

Where do we go?

Monday, February 23, 2009

Le Squelette laboureur

And things are infinitely better, if only on the surface. Oh precious one, frolic.

The Skeleton Laborer
I.
In the anatomical plates
That crawl over these powdery banks
Where many cadaverous books
Sleep like an ancient mummy,

Drawings in which the solemnity
And the knowledge of an old artist,
Although the subject is sad,
Has communicated Beauty,

One sees that which makes complete
These mysterious horrors,
Digging like the laborers,
The Skinned and the Skeletons.

II.
From this ground that you scour,
Gloomy and accepting peasants,
From all the effort of your vertebra,
Or from your flayed muscles,

Tell, what strange harvests,
Convicts snatched from a mass grave,
Do you draw, and by what farmer
Have you filled the barn?

Do you want (from a destiny too harsh
Bright and dreadful emblem!)
To show that in the same grave
The promised sleep is not certain;

That Nothingness is traitor towards us;
That all, even Death, lies to us,
And that continuously
Alas! Is it perhaps necessary for us

In some unknown country
To flay the sour earth
And move a heavy spade
Under our bare and bloody foot?

Le Squelette laboureur
I.
Dans les planches d'anatomie
Qui traînent sur ces quais poudreux
Où maint livre cadavéreux
Dort comme une antique momie,

Dessins auxquels la gravité
Et le savoir d'un vieil artiste,
Bien que le sujet en soit triste,
Ont communiqué la Beauté,

On voit, ce qui rend plus complètes
Ces mystérieuses horreurs,
Bêchant comme des laboureurs,
Des Ecorchés et des Squelettes.

II.
De ce terrain que vous fouillez,
Manants résignés et funèbres
De tout l'effort de vos vertèbres,
Ou de vos muscles dépouillés,

Dites, quelle moisson étrange,
Forçats arrachés au charnier,
Tirez-vous, et de quel fermier
Avez-vous à remplir la grange?

Voulez-vous (d'un destin trop dur
Epouvantable et clair emblème!)
Montrer que dans la fosse même
Le sommeil promis n'est pas sûr;

Qu'envers nous le Néant est traître;
Que tout, même la Mort, nous ment,
Et que sempiternellement
Hélas! il nous faudra peut-être

Dans quelque pays inconnu
Ecorcher la terre revêche
Et pousser une lourde bêche
Sous notre pied sanglant et nu?
---

He is the peace I need right now.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

À une passante

My old brother-in-arms kept the photos from the summer. It was there: the heat, the hate, and the unequaled beauty of it all. I got a little knot in my stomach from it until I realized the documented instances were discrete and there was no way I could convince myself that the entire summer had been such a sweet and sweaty experience. Did I hate most of it? At the time, yes. Now I want it back. Or maybe just the sunshine. Paris, change, so we can sleep under the stars and take each other next to the water. Change. Tell me the air will turn beautiful. Fuck it.

We sleep next to each other and wake in the gray of morning. He said we are strings, and not a chord. That is fine. I just want spring to be here.

We all fall in love with strangers, yes. So does Baudelaire.

To a Passerby
The deafening street howls around me.
Long, thin, in great mourning, majestic grief,
A woman passed, with a sumptuous hand
Raising, swinging the border and the hem;

Agile and noble, with her leg like a statue.
Me, I drank, contorted in excess,
In her eye, pallid heaven where the hurricane formed,
The sweetness that captivates and the pleasure that kills.

A flash of lightning…then night! —Elusive beauty
Whose look has made me suddenly return to life,
Shall I no longer see you in eternity?

Elsewhere, quite far from here! Too late! Perhaps never!
But I know not where you go, you know not where I go,
Oh you who I would have loved, oh you who knew it!

À une passante
La rue assourdissante autour de moi hurlait.
Longue, mince, en grand deuil, douleur majestueuse,
Une femme passa, d'une main fastueuse
Soulevant, balançant le feston et l'ourlet;

Agile et noble, avec sa jambe de statue.
Moi, je buvais, crispé comme un extravagant,
Dans son oeil, ciel livide où germe l'ouragan,
La douceur qui fascine et le plaisir qui tue.

Un éclair... puis la nuit! — Fugitive beauté
Dont le regard m'a fait soudainement renaître,
Ne te verrai-je plus que dans l'éternité?

Ailleurs, bien loin d'ici! trop tard! jamais peut-être!
Car j'ignore où tu fuis, tu ne sais où je vais,
Ô toi que j'eusse aimée, ô toi qui le savais!
---

My soul freezes in this shit.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Les Aveugles

Oh, b-day and v-day, sex, sex, sex. Mild panic, but the happiest moments I have felt in months. What is wrong with me? Nothing anymore, Penelope. Sugar rush and love, love, love.

The Blind
Contemplate them, my soul; they are very frightening!
Similar to mannequins; vaguely ridiculous;
Terrible, unusual like sleepwalkers;
Hurling their dark globes one knows not where.

Their eyes, from which the divine spark has departed,
Like they were looking into the distance, remained raised
To the sky; one never sees them toward the cobblestones
Dreamily tilt their weighty heads.

So they cross the limitless night,
This brother of eternal silence. Oh city!
Hanging around us you sing, laugh and bellow,

In love with pleasure to the point of atrocity,
See! I crawl as well! But, stupider than they,
I say: What do they look for in Heaven, all these blind ones?

Les Aveugles
Contemple-les, mon âme; ils sont vraiment affreux!
Pareils aux mannequins; vaguement ridicules;
Terribles, singuliers comme les somnambules;
Dardant on ne sait où leurs globes ténébreux.

Leurs yeux, d'où la divine étincelle est partie,
Comme s'ils regardaient au loin, restent levés
Au ciel; on ne les voit jamais vers les pavés
Pencher rêveusement leur tête appesantie.

Ils traversent ainsi le noir illimité,
Ce frère du silence éternel. Ô cité!
Pendant qu'autour de nous tu chantes, ris et beugles,

Eprise du plaisir jusqu'à l'atrocité,
Vois! je me traîne aussi! mais, plus qu'eux hébété,
Je dis: Que cherchent-ils au Ciel, tous ces aveugles?
---
I want to shout with joy and caution. He has no poetry, no music and that is the best thing of all.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Les Petites Vieilles

I have been trying to desperately to get back to things, but lethargy kills. Lots of sitting and thinking and wishing. This morning, lots of forms and repetitions. I want to be something but first I must conquer the paperworkdeath. Eh, so it goes. No matter. This next poem made me the kind of ill that I cherish above all else.

The last post saw a poem about beggars in Paris, and this one seems to accompany it. But unlike Baudelaire's tribute to the old men, his song to the old women proves much more sympathetic. There is no fear, just a bit of sadness and perhaps even empathy. Maybe it's safer to him because he knows deep in his heart that he is more like the first group than the second. He seems more concerned with how these women got this way than what they are like currently. Also, the second to last stanza had the same effect on me that the last six lines of Paysage had. I don't cry. I haven't cried since that warm Saturday and that was all a joke. I feel better, better. Apollo has come out to play and we worship the sun god for the mercy he shows us all. Warm weather, stay and make me glad that I breathe.

The Little Old Ladies

To Victor Hugo

I.
In the sinuous folds of the old cities,
Where all, even horror, turns into enchantment,
I watch, obeying my unlucky humors,
For unusual beings, decrepit and charming.

These broken monsters were women long ago,
Eponine or Lais! Shattered monsters, hunchbacked
Or twisted, love them! They still have souls.
Under holey petticoats and under cold cloth

They crawl, flagellated by the sinful winds,
Trembling in the rolling clatter of the omnibus,
And squeezing on their flank, like a relic,
A small bag embroidered with flowers or rebuses,

They trot, just the same as marionettes,
Dragging themselves, like the injured animals do,
Or dance, without wanting to dance, poor bells
Pulled by a pitiless Demon! Entirely cracked

That they are, they have eyes piercing like gimlets,
Glistening like the holes where water sleeps in the night;
They are the divine eyes of the little girl
Who is surprised and who laughs at all that shines.

—Have you observed how many old women’s coffins
Are often as small as those of children?
Clever Death puts in these same caskets
A symbol of strange and captivating taste,

And when I glimpse a feeble phantom
Crossing the swarming scene of Paris,
It always seems to me that this fragile being
Goes all softly toward a new cradle;

Unless, mulling over geometry,
I seek, in the appearance of these dissentious members,
How many times the worker varies
The form of the box where one puts all the bodies.

—These eyes are wells made from a million tears,
Crucibles that a cooled metal spangled…
These mysterious eyes have invincible charms
For he who austere Misfortune has nursed!

II.
Vestale enamored with dead Frascati;
Priestess of Thalia, alas! Whose prompter
Buried knows her name, evaporated celebrity
That Tivoli once shaded in his flower,

Everything intoxicates me; but among these fragile beings
There are some who, making honey from sorrow,
Have said to Devotion who lent them their wings:
Powerful hippogriff, guide me to the sky!

One, drilled to misfortune by her country,
Another, overburdened with sorrows by her husband,
Another, a Madonna pierced by her child,
All would have been able to make a river with their tears!

III.
Ah! I have followed these little old women!
One, among others, at the hour where the sun falls
Bloodies the sky with rose-red wounds,
Thoughtful, sitting remote on the bank,

In order to hear one of these concerts, rich with brass,
With which the soldiers sometimes flood our gardens,
And which, in these golden evenings where one feel alive again,
Pours heroism into the heart of the cities.

That one, still upright, proud and feeling like the Law,
Greedily smelled this bright and martial song;
Her eye sometimes opened like the eye of an old eagle;
Her marble brow had the air made for laurel!

IV
Thus you walk along, stoic and without complaint,
Through the chaos of the living cities,
Mothers with bleeding hearts, courtesans or saints,
Whose names were once supported by everyone.

You who were grace or who were glory,
No one recognizes you! An uncivil drunkard
Insults you in passing with ridiculous love;
On your heels a vile, cowardly child gambols.

Ashamed of existing, shriveled shadows,
Fearful, back bent, you walk along the walls;
And no one greets you, strange destined ones!
Splinters of humanity ripe for eternity!

But me, me who watches you tenderly from afar,
The eye anxious, fixed on your uncertain steps,
All as if I were your father, oh marvel!
I taste hidden pleasures unbeknownst to you:

I see your untrained passions bloom;
Somber or luminous, I live your missing days;
My multiplied heart enjoys all of your vices!
My soul shines with all of your virtues!

Ruins! My family! Oh congeneric minds!
I bid you a solemn goodbye every night!
Where will you be tomorrow, octogenarian Eves,
On whom weighs the heavy claw of God?

Les Petites Vieilles

À Victor Hugo

I
Dans les plis sinueux des vieilles capitales,
Où tout, même l'horreur, tourne aux enchantements,
Je guette, obéissant à mes humeurs fatales,
Des êtres singuliers, décrépits et charmants.

Ces monstres disloqués furent jadis des femmes,
Eponine ou Laïs! Monstres brisés, bossus
Ou tordus, aimons-les! ce sont encor des âmes.
Sous des jupons troués et sous de froids tissus

Ils rampent, flagellés par les bises iniques,
Frémissant au fracas roulant des omnibus,
Et serrant sur leur flanc, ainsi que des reliques,
Un petit sac brodé de fleurs ou de rébus;

Ils trottent, tout pareils à des marionnettes;
Se traînent, comme font les animaux blessés,
Ou dansent, sans vouloir danser, pauvres sonnettes
Où se pend un Démon sans pitié! Tout cassés

Qu'ils sont, ils ont des yeux perçants comme une vrille,
Luisants comme ces trous où l'eau dort dans la nuit;
Ils ont les yeux divins de la petite fille
Qui s'étonne et qui rit à tout ce qui reluit.

— Avez-vous observé que maints cercueils de vieilles
Sont presque aussi petits que celui d'un enfant?
La Mort savante met dans ces bières pareilles
Un symbole d'un goût bizarre et captivant,

Et lorsque j'entrevois un fantôme débile
Traversant de Paris le fourmillant tableau,
Il me semble toujours que cet être fragile
S'en va tout doucement vers un nouveau berceau;

À moins que, méditant sur la géométrie,
Je ne cherche, à l'aspect de ces membres discords,
Combien de fois il faut que l'ouvrier varie
La forme de la boîte où l'on met tous ces corps.

— Ces yeux sont des puits faits d'un million de larmes,
Des creusets qu'un métal refroidi pailleta...
Ces yeux mystérieux ont d'invincibles charmes
Pour celui que l'austère Infortune allaita!

II
De Frascati défunt Vestale enamourée;
Prêtresse de Thalie, hélas! dont le souffleur
Enterré sait le nom; célèbre évaporée
Que Tivoli jadis ombragea dans sa fleur,

Toutes m'enivrent; mais parmi ces êtres frêles
Il en est qui, faisant de la douleur un miel,
Ont dit au Dévouement qui leur prêtait ses ailes:
Hippogriffe puissant, mène-moi jusqu'au ciel!

L'une, par sa patrie au malheur exercée,
L'autre, que son époux surchargea de douleurs,
L'autre, par son enfant Madone transpercée,
Toutes auraient pu faire un fleuve avec leurs pleurs!

III
Ah! que j'en ai suivi de ces petites vieilles!
Une, entre autres, à l'heure où le soleil tombant
Ensanglante le ciel de blessures vermeilles,
Pensive, s'asseyait à l'écart sur un banc,

Pour entendre un de ces concerts, riches de cuivre,
Dont les soldats parfois inondent nos jardins,
Et qui, dans ces soirs d'or où l'on se sent revivre,
Versent quelque héroïsme au coeur des citadins.

Celle-là, droite encor, fière et sentant la règle,
Humait avidement ce chant vif et guerrier;
Son oeil parfois s'ouvrait comme l'oeil d'un vieil aigle;
Son front de marbre avait l'air fait pour le laurier!

IV
Telles vous cheminez, stoïques et sans plaintes,
À travers le chaos des vivantes cités,
Mères au coeur saignant, courtisanes ou saintes,
Dont autrefois les noms par tous étaient cités.

Vous qui fûtes la grâce ou qui fûtes la gloires,
Nul ne vous reconnaît! un ivrogne incivil
Vous insulte en passant d'un amour dérisoire;
Sur vos talons gambade un enfant lâche et vil.

Honteuses d'exister, ombres ratatinées,
Peureuses, le dos bas, vous côtoyez les murs;
Et nul ne vous salue, étranges destinées!
Débris d'humanité pour l'éternité mûrs!

Mais moi, moi qui de loin tendrement vous surveille,
L'oeil inquiet, fixé sur vos pas incertains,
Tout comme si j'étais votre père, ô merveille!
Je goûte à votre insu des plaisirs clandestins:

Je vois s'épanouir vos passions novices;
Sombres ou lumineux, je vis vos jours perdus;
Mon coeur multiplié jouit de tous vos vices!
Mon âme resplendit de toutes vos vertus!

Ruines! ma famille! ô cerveaux congénères!
Je vous fais chaque soir un solennel adieu!
Où serez-vous demain, Eves octogénaires,
Sur qui pèse la griffe effroyable de Dieu?
---

You are ice, iron and a hundred other things. I wish it could always be this way.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Les Sept vieillards

So forgive the three weeks of silence, loves. I have had more important things on my mind. Too many games and cigarettes and multiple choices that leave me stranded and sleepy. But it's all over now. R. and I were powering through and kicking it, scoring triumphantly and fist-bumping all the way to 556. After we were done we slept and wandered around thinking about what we would now do. I have projects, purpose. And even beauty, did we see that coming? I think not.

No more falling in love with anyone or anything. Or so I thought. But Apollo blessed us all this weekend and told the sun to shine. Seniors sleep and rejoice and suck the life-water from the Nalgenes by their beds in an effort to chase the aches away. Congratulations, you guys. You worked hard, you deserve this happiness. Soon you must go into the universe, and I with you. Almost there, what am I doing? Last year was so very, very long ago.

More Parisian fields. No more LSATdeath. For good this time.

The Seven Old Men

To Victor Hugo

Swarming city, city full of dreams,
Where the ghost clings to the passerby in broad daylight!
Everywhere mysteries flow like sap
Into the narrow canals of the mighty giant.

One morning, while in the sad street
The houses, whose height the mist extends,
Simulated the two banks of a heightened river,
And which, décor similar to the soul of an actor,

A filthy yellow fog flooded all the space,
I was following, stiffening my nerves like a hero
And discussing with my already weary soul,
The suburb shaken by the heavy carts.

Suddenly, an old man whose yellow rags
Imitated the color of a rainy sky,
And whose appearance would have made alms rain,
Without the malice that shone in his eyes,

Appeared to me. One would have said his pupils were dipped
In venom; his look sharpened the cold,
And his long bristly beard, stiff as a blade,
Protruded, parallel to that of Judas.

He was not bent, but broken, his spine
Making a perfect right angle with his leg,
So much that his cane, completing his expression,
Gave him the shape and the clumsy step

Of a crippled quadruped or a three-legged Jew.
He went entangling himself in the snow and the mud,
Like he himself crushed the dead under his old shoes,
Hostile to the universe rather than indifferent.

His equal followed him: beard, eye, back, staff, rags,
No trait distinguished them, they came from the same hell,
This twin centarian, and these bizarre ghosts
Walked with the same steps toward an unknown aim.

Of what despicable plot was I then the object,
Or what mean fortune thus humiliated me?
For I counted seven times, one minute to the next,
This sinister old man who multiplied himself!

Let the one who laughs at my concern
And who is not seized by a brotherly shudder
Consider well that despite so much degeneration
These seven horrid monsters had the appearance of the eternal!

Could I have, without dying, surveyed the eighth,
Inexorable double, ironic and fatal
Filthy Phoenix, son and father of himself?
—But I turned my back on the hellish procession.

Exasperated like a drunkard who sees double,
I reentered, I closed my door, terrified,
Sick and dejected, spirit feverish and troubled,
Wounded by the mystery and the absurdity!

Vainly my reason wished to take the helm;
The moving tempest diverted its efforts,
And my soul danced, danced, old barge
Without masts, on a monstrous and boundless sea!

Les Sept vieillards

À Victor Hugo

Fourmillante cité, cité pleine de rêves,
Où le spectre en plein jour raccroche le passant!
Les mystères partout coulent comme des sèves
Dans les canaux étroits du colosse puissant.

Un matin, cependant que dans la triste rue
Les maisons, dont la brume allongeait la hauteur,
Simulaient les deux quais d'une rivière accrue,
Et que, décor semblable à l'âme de l'acteur,

Un brouillard sale et jaune inondait tout l'espace,
Je suivais, roidissant mes nerfs comme un héros
Et discutant avec mon âme déjà lasse,
Le faubourg secoué par les lourds tombereaux.

Tout à coup, un vieillard dont les guenilles jaunes
Imitaient la couleur de ce ciel pluvieux,
Et dont l'aspect aurait fait pleuvoir les aumônes,
Sans la méchanceté qui luisait dans ses yeux,

M'apparut. On eût dit sa prunelle trempée
Dans le fiel; son regard aiguisait les frimas,
Et sa barbe à longs poils, roide comme une épée,
Se projetait, pareille à celle de Judas.

II n'était pas voûté, mais cassé, son échine
Faisant avec sa jambe un parfait angle droit,
Si bien que son bâton, parachevant sa mine,
Lui donnait la tournure et le pas maladroit

D'un quadrupède infirme ou d'un juif à trois pattes.
Dans la neige et la boue il allait s'empêtrant,
Comme s'il écrasait des morts sous ses savates,
Hostile à l'univers plutôt qu'indifférent.

Son pareil le suivait: barbe, oeil, dos, bâton, loques,
Nul trait ne distinguait, du même enfer venu,
Ce jumeau centenaire, et ces spectres baroques
Marchaient du même pas vers un but inconnu.

À quel complot infâme étais-je donc en butte,
Ou quel méchant hasard ainsi m'humiliait?
Car je comptai sept fois, de minute en minute,
Ce sinistre vieillard qui se multipliait!

Que celui-là qui rit de mon inquiétude
Et qui n'est pas saisi d'un frisson fraternel
Songe bien que malgré tant de décrépitude
Ces sept monstres hideux avaient l'air éternel!

Aurais-je, sans mourir, contemplé le huitième,
Sosie inexorable, ironique et fatal
Dégoûtant Phénix, fils et père de lui-même?
— Mais je tournai le dos au cortège infernal.

Exaspéré comme un ivrogne qui voit double,
Je rentrai, je fermai ma porte, épouvanté,
Malade et morfondu, l'esprit fiévreux et trouble,
Blessé par le mystère et par l'absurdité!

Vainement ma raison voulait prendre la barre;
La tempête en jouant déroutait ses efforts,
Et mon âme dansait, dansait, vieille gabarre
Sans mâts, sur une mer monstrueuse et sans bords!
---
Stealing time and fire, pray for grace, blood and pretty much everything else.